I like to be tired. Because it means that I am busy doing something. And I am the happiest when I am working on my projects. Don’t get me wrong, I like hanging out with my friends. I am also very good at procrastinating. However, these do not give me a sense of accomplishment, a feeling that I am doing something I can be proud of.
I spend a lot of time on any project, including school ones. I treat each of them as if my life depends on it. And in a way, it does. It is important for me to know that I did my absolute best. I do care a lot about results, but I also realise my limitations. For example, I am not so good at drawing and painting. Yet, I spent long hours on those. The results were not something I would care to share. Am I ashamed? Hell, no. I was tired. And being tired is an indication that I have done everything I could. That’s all I need to feel accomplished.
Tired is not the same as exhausted, though. Exhaustion is not healthy, it is pushing beyond limits. I tend to do it, true – sometimes I attempt to jump way above my head. It rarely works 🙂 Moreover, afterwards I have to withdraw from the world and any other activities for quite some time. Even being an introvert, I realise that it is not the best course of action.
At the moment, I work on several projects: finishing my university, masculinity research, book, and masculinity photo project. I also continue to collect materials for the Tokyo Tower photo series but decided to slow down with this one. I am also in pre-production stage for a documentary film about foreign masculinities in Japan, so I do not want to overdo. As I said before, tired makes me happy, however, exhaustion forces me to put my life on hold.